Someone take my remote away...lord help me...

I was never one for watching TV - it required to much attention and was usually too boring. Rarely was there anything on that I could relate to (the closest being Green Acres and Beverly Hillbillys-go figure) so I pretty much set it on PBS and listened to the melodic strains of Sesame Steet and Zoom. And Life was good

However Papa insists that we have Direct TV with 4.8 gazillion channels and now I am sure to find something to amuse me, entertain me, make me think and inspire projectile vomiting and sometimes all in one show. Like watching a train wreck in motion - I am helpless to turn away.

My latests addictions are Clean House, All of the kick ass wedding cake shows, Bridezilla and all the amazing birth story shows. (which wierds me out for various reasons).

Clean House - have you seen it? This super annoying and bossy over dressed and accessorized black woman whisks into these houses one mold infestation away from condemnation and with her team of super smiley peeps they convince the hapless house owners to "let go" of their belongings, have a garage sale to make money, then match the money up to a thousand. Then they send the people to a "fabulous" hotel and they commence to reorganize and redecorate these trash houses. What I find just fascinating about this all is what they convince these people to "let go" of. Grandma's old steamer trunk that belonged to her great grandma and came over from the old country "It's a big ticket item, let's sell it, you don't need it" - then when it doesn't sell they put it on a truck and send it to the ghetto good will. SAD! Can't they incorporate it in the new decor? Come on already. Sure the 25 years of periodicals that can certainly go and 40 pairs of salt shakers, yeah, they can let those go too but the family antiques? Good lord people, have some compassion. So then let's say the garage sale makes $1,500 and then the show matches it to make it $2,500, that is what the crew has to spend. The hostess donates something (usually a new bedroom suite or some office stuff) and the designer (who is either seriously weird of flamming gay) takes the bulk of the money and somehow manages to get new furniture for the living room (or some other room) and accents too. HOW? Where is he shopping at? Uncle Lou from the wrong side of town? Anyhow, moving on...

Bridezilla - oh yeah...these bitches rock out. It is all about them 100% of the time and if you ain't kissing their powdered ass you better believe they will get you with a sharp tongued bitch slap. I watched one last night where the bride was a Latino gal with a self inflated sense of worth. She threw a tempter tantrum in the flower shop over her arrangements, screamed money was no object, stormed out and then thew a center arrangement on the concrete. Then to up the ante on her crazieness she maxed out her credit card to get a Cinderella Carriage, told her fiancee' that he couldn't pay for his dad's tux (because bitch maxed out the credit card...) - then she went on a cake smashing rampage and the final straw was when she chased her daughter and threatened to peirce her ears right then and there. She was a the scariest bride ever. And to think my gramma called me a bridzilla when I had a meltdown regarding the kind of cake I wanted at my wedding. I can neither confirm nor deny that I might have said "I don't give a goddamn what kind of fucking cake you make, take a shit in a pan, bake it and slap some butter cream frosting on it and call it a damned cake, Jesus!" - Gramma got me back, she made marble cake. She knew I hated marble cake. She probably spit a lugi in the top layer too. Wouldn't put it past her.

Then we have the birthing shows. I loved the amazing birth episode when this African gal gave birth in a tree top during rising flood waters. I swear on all that is holy if I have another child I will not complain about anything. And the crazy bitches that think they can have unassisted home births. HAVE YOU LOST YOUR EVER LOVING MIND...opps this kid is coming feet first, sure would have been nice to have a doctor.

Anyhow...that is my new addiction (and Chelsea Lately...she had little people bowling last night. HELL YA!). Is there a 12 step wean your ass from TLC program? Hmm? I will look into that Tuesday, I have to watch Jon and Kate tongiht - they are making a big ol' announcement and well Cake Boss is on too. (Oh lord I have become my grandma, I can't miss my shows)



The wedding cake shows. All I can really say here is HOLY SHIT! The things they do with cake and fondant and blown sugar so so freaking amazing I would cry if I had to cut into one of their cakes. What amazes me the most is how they pretty much believe they can do anything. Some freaks come in and say "Hey make me a cake that looks like a hotel I stayed in in Barcelona complete with sugar skulls and railings on the windows. No prob...bring it on. Or some bridezilla comes in and wants her cake to be 15 tiers in an art deco circa 1920's vibe complete with blown sugar glass balls and realistic gardenias. Oh and by the way the tiers have to be stacked lop sided. Yep...no prob. It amazes me. I want to be the cake diva. I want that glory.