Listen up tator tot...

So in my channel surfing I kind of got fixated on the "Shop Erotic" channel. That infomercial cracks me up every time I take a moment to check it out.

When I first popped in they were hyping up the "Mold a Willie" kit. Basically it is a naughty science project that involves getting your man to stick his erect penis in a tube filled with a rubber substance. Yeah... I am sure many men are dying for you to immortalize their penis in rubber. What if ya'll break up? You could take that bad boy out and use it against him. Show all your girlfriends what god gifted him with. That poor bastard would never get a date again (well if he had a wee willy) - by the same token what if he was porn star royalty and you kept that penis for all time. You would be whipping it out after appalling one night stands where picking were slim. You would be all "just use your fingers dumbass, I have the inside job covered" as you whip out your last boyfriends 8" dong. To make it more impressive you could write in black sharpie on the side "The intimidator". No wonder they dropped the price $50 bucks - can't imagine there are many takers on that one.

The next one that made me blow beer out my nose was the rubber dong collection. First they brought out the 5" beginner dong - it was pink. They were all "Look how adorable it is..." and "this is the PERFECT dong for breaking into rubber dongs". PUHLEEEZ...if I am gonna waste my money ording a rubber dong I ain't gonna bother with the beginner dong. If I am brave enough to delve into rubber dong territory you better believe I am gonna go big...Then they popped out with the 7.5" dong in a lovely red shade. It came with a better "more lifelike" scrotal package. Uh huh...they touted this one as "the womans best friend". Yeah...moving on they whipped out the 8" dong in a gorgeous blue color. They were way into this one, it wasn't called "adorable" it was called "impressive" When they wrapped their hand around that monster you could see them remembering moments with that dong. They wrapped it up with the 10" one complete with suction cup "With this bad boy the suction cup is a MUST". Yep...and advil and ice packs too, but that is just details.

All of that made me laugh hysterically but what made me completely lose it and spill my beer and almost rupture my spleen from laughter was when they brought out the double dolphin cock ring. It looked entertaining enough...I was intrigued but then they upped the ante with the vibrating cock sleeve. They were hyping this for clitoral stimulation and the extra addition of "girth" - Yeah like you can introduce that to your little tator tot man with Frodo's fingers "Hey babe check out this new toy that plays with my clit and is guaranteed to make me come and check out the little sleeve...makes you more girthy" You whip that puppy out and you can just watch that erection disappear. To be honest I would totally pay money to see that thing in action. Ha ha...

You know what else I find hilarious? Those gals that do the show. One was a total hot librarian chick complete with dark hair and glasses and the other had that pole dancer bleached blond fake titties thing happening. They were displaying these gizmos with such a manner that I could never pull off. They were so cool and professional. I would be up there have sword fights with the 10" dong, telling ex boyfriends on the air "Hey tator tot...check out this penis enhancer with the handy dandy ruler on the side...go big, go for 5.5" - you can do it". I would also be doing naughty gestures with those things too. How could you not? I would be the worst hostess ever.

And in closing my friends...if you have erotic needs that need met please contact my friend Krystal - she will hook you up and will totally not call you "dirty ho" when you whip out your credit card and order the suction cupped 10" dong, even when you try and cover and tell her "it is a birthday present for gramma".