Soccer cleats and all you can eats - a weekend away

Quinn had a soccer tournament in Anchorage - It was an adventure frought full of many lessons and experiences. On this little trip I learned many important life lessons such as:

GOOGLE MAPS CAN SUCK MY ASS - yes indeed. Google maps may well work for people who live in dare I say "more civilized areas" but in Alaska Google maps tends to make up random roads and to take the roads that do exist and give them additional curves and also move them about. We were staying with my friend Jason and he says "just google my address" and so did and when finally confronted with finding his house ended up in some random spot with scary white trash compounds complete with yard dogs, cars on blocks and warning signs about tresspassing. Now I know Jason considers himself kind of a redneck at heart but puhhhleez - homeboy wears Patagonia and North Face - I knew he wasn't in this hood. A frantic phone call later and some hastily scribbled instructions and I was in more familiar territory. I did discover that Eagle River does have an interesting way of zoning - they have this beautiful Baptist Church smack dab in between a Tattoo Parlor and a Discount Liquor store. HELL YA! I wouldn't have learned this had google maps been more "accurate"

ROAD CONSTUCTION CAN SUCK MY ASS - I swear on a stack of all that is holy (my gramma's family bible and my Gone with the Wind book) that every stinking road I needed to navigate had road construction happening. Also they would detour you through EVERY FREAKING GHETTO they could find. Also every soccer mom with a mini-van or Hummer and a cell phone was guaranteed to be in my way and they would be too busy yacking with their "girlies" about the best sales on capri's and tank tops or scheduling mother daughter pedicures to even be remotely concerned with such trivial matters such as STOP LIGHTS or TURN SIGNALS or god forbid GETTING IN THE FUCKING TURN LANE!!! I drive a standard - I actually had foot pain from a day of driving in Anchorage - FOOT PAIN!!! I have NEVER had to clutch and brake so much in my life - I got foot cramps - FOR REAL!

THE GOLDEN CORRAL CAN SUCK MY ASS!!! On Friday, to foster commaradie and to hang with the team, Quinn's coach organized dinner at the Golden Corral - the kids had fun but damn it I don't think I got my money's worth considering my kids mostly ate ice cream and nachos with cheese. Of all the damned food there was this is what they wanted and because I wasn't paying attention this is what they ate. Did I get to eat my moneys worth? Oh hell no - I was too busy talking soccer and chasing my children. Did I learn my lesson? Nope - went back for a second tour the next evening with friends. I also think the stupid "you have to tip $2 bucks a person" can suck my ass. I got my own damned food and I had to chase a waiter down to get a clean plate and to get my sweet tea refilled. LAME!

CHUCK E CHEESE (insert the rest of this phrase all on your own....) - I went on ghetto day. Now I am not some card carrying KKK member and I am certainly not predjudiced but for real on the day I took my children to Chuck E Cheese it had to be ghetto day. I overheard my son having a conversation with another kid that went along the lines of "has anyone ever jacked your mama's car?" - aside from that nonsense Chuck E. Cheese (can suck my....) because I swear to god that they played that Jonas Brothers song "I have been to to the year 3000..." something like thousand times. If I would have had to hear it again security would have found me with the other parents under the Bikkini Bottom Bowling game in fetal position mumbling "no more tokkens, NO MORE TOKKENS"

But on a positive note we did have some fun all things aside. Quinn's team learned that soccer isn't always a gentleman sport and can be a bit brutal at times. The lost all their seeded games and didn't make it to the finals but they did figure out the rules of contact sports a bit by the third game and gave the best team in the 99' boys league a bit of a lesson on 'don't mess with Fairbanks boys'. Our first game was against Kenai and we might have stood a chance of winning that game had we been more aggressive when the other team would shove and nudge us - we certainly weren't out played - just intimidated. We lost that game 4-0. Our second game was against what had to have been an imported team from Brazil or something. Every other kid on there was named Jesus, Diego, Santiago or Eduardo. Their parents stood on the sidelines hollaring things like "Taco Burrito UNO DOSE Cuervo!" which probably meant "kick em' in the ballsack Edurardo or no menudo for you" we would have lost that game regardless...those boys were born with soccer balls in their hands and DVD's of the movie Alive. That game was a washout at 8-1. Saturday morning found us actually playing the team that ultimately won the tournament and we really played a good game. Of course at 0800 we were out there teaching our boys how to be more aggressive by leaning on them and making them lean back and also the right way to nudge "bent elbow" - I do have to admit that me and some of the other team parents almost got 86'd from the game for contemplating a throw down with some dickweed denture wearing grampa from the other team. He was giving us shit about our boys playing mean while his boys were out there kicking our kids in the head when they fell down and other nonsense. I won't go into details here but know this...my mouth was writing checks that the other soccer dads felt the need to cover. That old fellow also got onto us for being too "obnoxious" with our cheering. EXCUSE ME...we were having fun and we weren't bad mouthing the other team or the ref so there was nothing other than our enthusiasm and loud voices that could be constituted as obnoxious and for that I say "FUCK OFF GRAMPS" - and on that "enough said".

Some of our other adventures involved the making of Robbie at Build A Bear (did you know they have little flip flops you can buy for your stuffy?) - and Quinn got to meet Captain Sig from Deadliest Catch (which has a story...but I will save that for another day). We also got some Cinnabons on post at the PX (went on base with our friend Susan) and got to watch the 99' girls play in the final game and walk away with 2nd place - which was awesome.

On the trip home we also saw 3 bears (a mama and her cubs) - some moose, several fox and a porcupine (and Haaken being totally my son said "buddy" - and if you haven't watched Open Season this will not make a lick of sense to you).

Anyhow-that conludes blog #1 about our Anchorage adventure. I am gonna find more to say about it in due time.

PHOENIX ON FIRE (that is our team chant...kind of catchy huh)