HE TOUCHED ME!!

I swear that all I do is yell. I know there are better mothers out there who can use soft calming words to get their point across but I come from a long line of yellers and my parenting theory is 'if it worked for my kin, it can damn sure work for me'. Besides I am seriously out numbered here, I have 3 little boys with LOUD voices and if I were to wander around using soft calming voices nothing would ever get accomplished. Really nothing.

So I yell and some days I yell more. I have different degrees of yelling and my children are savy enough to realize that certain yells mean certain things. They know that the one I use to be heard across the chaos means they better shut the hell up and look at me because if I jump in the melee heads are gonna roll. They know that if I yell words they can't understand that I am seriously pissed and they better start kissing ass asap. I am sure the neighbors must think I beat them all the time even though I really don't - they have to assume this because I yell more than a trailer park princess and my words pretty much give me a white trash feel.

Why just today I got to hollar such classics as:

QUINN! HAAKEN! OWEN! YA'LL GET YOUR LITTLE BUTTS IN HERE RIGHT NOW!

QUINN NATHANIEL IF YOU DON'T QUIT MAKING THAT CHILD CRY I AM GONNA SLAP THE SMART RIGHT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH! (and for the record I threaten this a lot and have yet to ever deliver on it...so don't call CPS on me just yet)

OWEN LUCAS IF YOU DON'T STOP SCREAMING LIKE A TWO YEAR OLD I'M GONNA PUT YOUR BUTT IN A DIAPER AND MAKE YOU TAKE A NAP!

I BROUGHT YA'LL INTO THIS WORLD I HAVE NO QUALMS ABOUT TAKING YA'LL OUT OF IT IF YA'LL DON'T KNOCK IT OFF THIS VERY INSTANT! (again I threaten this one a lot and well they are still alive...please don't call CPS on me just yet)

HAAKEN ALEXANDER IF YOU DON'T QUIT CRYING LIKE THE UGLY GIRL ON PROM NIGHT I AM GONNA PUT A DRESS ON YA AND NAME YA HEATHER!

And my personal favorite of the week hollard in public at a soccer game Saturday after Haaken and Owen wandered off with another kid named Connor and scared the living hell out of me and caused mass panic and a search party to be organized.

IF YOU EVER RUN OFF AGAIN I AM GONNA TIE YOU TO A STAKE LIKE A YARD DOG AND FEED YOU TABLE SCRAPS (which made several parents smile and oddly enough garnered me tons of parental respect).

Like I said I yell alot - and I probably should be embarassed about it but for some reason I just can't manage it. I was yelled at all the dang time when I was a kid. People in my family used yelling to get their point across. I remember being yelled at to "FETCH ME A BEER" this was from most of the uncles. The aunts were always hollaring "GO SEE WHAT THAT CHILD IS CRYING ABOUT" when some random cousin was fussing and making a ruckus and my own mother was fond of the "DON'T MAKE ME STOP THIS CAR..." threat on any trip because we were always in the backseat doing the "HE/SHE TOUCHED ME" game. Dad was prone to hollar "GET ME MY BELT" which always got instant silence.

You would think with all the yelling I do I would have sniveling messes for kids. Nah, they are pretty well adjusted and if you asked them (and yes I really have) who yells the most in the family they always say "DAD" which means what yelling I do only has short term effects. I guess that is a good and a bad thing.

Anyhow...the boys are being quiet now. Wonder what I get to yell next....hmmm