Shut yo mouth...

Booblash...any of ya'll remember me talking about it? I once wrote a blog on myspace dealing with the effects of it. Once again I find myself on the wrong side of a rebellious titty and I have only myself to blame.

I was trying to run with Quinn. I am WAY to damned top heavy to run (not to mention flat out portly) but I gave it the ol' college try. I strapped on the best underwire in the drawer, stuck on the least stretchy sports bra, THEN wrapped the whole mess in a big ol' ACE bandage, got dressed picked out my least trashy running shoes and off we went.

We really only jogged..kind of power walked...okay he jogged I did my best dying in the desert impersonation "water...gasp, gasp...WATER..." of course that first 5 feet is always the hardest they say.

So like I said off we went. I felt like Forrest Gump especially when this old man passed me. If that son of a bitch would have flipped me off I know I could have garnered more inner strength and caught up with him and then beat him till his teeth flew out. But noooo... he had to be polite so I had to be polite.

Eventually the run was over. I came crawling into the homestretch and about that time I got a call from a friend far away...and it went something like this:

"What the hell you running for? Is someone shooting at you?"

"No, just trying to be a better more healthy parent"

"Good Lord woman, don't you know you aren't built to run"

"Yeah, seeing as my renegade left tittie Lefty took a flying leap from the fortress, wrapped around my head and hit me upside the right side, I am VERY aware I am not built for running"

"Good God, are you okay? Was there blood?"

"No I am fine, marginal hearing loss and a bit of booblash nothing an ice pack and a Mai Tai won't cure in due time"

"Did your right boob behave?"

"Yes, Poncho held her spot well. Didn't cause a moments greif, she is usually pretty well behaved. Lefty always causes problems. I have learned to adapt"

"Wonder why you have such floppy titties...what causes that?"

"Jesus man, it could be the fact they each weigh more than the average newborn. It could be because I can't afford re-bar and steel girders to encase them in. Perhaps it is the Walmart underwires that make a mockery of my boobs, or maybe it is my poor ass hillbilly genetics. I don't know..."

"Thank God men don't have that issue."

"Shut up! I have seen your testicles you are about 5 years from them being a kilt and having a horrific tripping accident on the way to the bathroom for your morning constitutional. I can see it now, the papers will read MAN ON HIS WAY TO PEE TRIPS OVER TESTICLES, RAMS PENIS INTO BATHROOM FLOOR. I bet even now you have to toss those puppies over your shoulders before you take a shit least you flush em' with the courtesy flush"

Anyhow, like a said an ice pack helped the situation. I didn't have time for the Mai Tai because this mom gig kind of calls for sobriety especially when you have to drive kids to soccer and then hold conversations with the other soccer moms. You don't want to slurr your words.

This morning Lefty seems apologetic. She is looking more perky but of course that could be the swelling too. Either way we made our peace. I hope it lasts, Quinn and I are going to try that running thing again. This time I prepared. DUCT TAPE...it is the force that holds the universe together. If it can reign in that my left titty should be a piece of cake.