HE TOUCHED ME!!

I swear that all I do is yell. I know there are better mothers out there who can use soft calming words to get their point across but I come from a long line of yellers and my parenting theory is 'if it worked for my kin, it can damn sure work for me'. Besides I am seriously out numbered here, I have 3 little boys with LOUD voices and if I were to wander around using soft calming voices nothing would ever get accomplished. Really nothing.

So I yell and some days I yell more. I have different degrees of yelling and my children are savy enough to realize that certain yells mean certain things. They know that the one I use to be heard across the chaos means they better shut the hell up and look at me because if I jump in the melee heads are gonna roll. They know that if I yell words they can't understand that I am seriously pissed and they better start kissing ass asap. I am sure the neighbors must think I beat them all the time even though I really don't - they have to assume this because I yell more than a trailer park princess and my words pretty much give me a white trash feel.

Why just today I got to hollar such classics as:

QUINN! HAAKEN! OWEN! YA'LL GET YOUR LITTLE BUTTS IN HERE RIGHT NOW!

QUINN NATHANIEL IF YOU DON'T QUIT MAKING THAT CHILD CRY I AM GONNA SLAP THE SMART RIGHT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH! (and for the record I threaten this a lot and have yet to ever deliver on it...so don't call CPS on me just yet)

OWEN LUCAS IF YOU DON'T STOP SCREAMING LIKE A TWO YEAR OLD I'M GONNA PUT YOUR BUTT IN A DIAPER AND MAKE YOU TAKE A NAP!

I BROUGHT YA'LL INTO THIS WORLD I HAVE NO QUALMS ABOUT TAKING YA'LL OUT OF IT IF YA'LL DON'T KNOCK IT OFF THIS VERY INSTANT! (again I threaten this one a lot and well they are still alive...please don't call CPS on me just yet)

HAAKEN ALEXANDER IF YOU DON'T QUIT CRYING LIKE THE UGLY GIRL ON PROM NIGHT I AM GONNA PUT A DRESS ON YA AND NAME YA HEATHER!

And my personal favorite of the week hollard in public at a soccer game Saturday after Haaken and Owen wandered off with another kid named Connor and scared the living hell out of me and caused mass panic and a search party to be organized.

IF YOU EVER RUN OFF AGAIN I AM GONNA TIE YOU TO A STAKE LIKE A YARD DOG AND FEED YOU TABLE SCRAPS (which made several parents smile and oddly enough garnered me tons of parental respect).

Like I said I yell alot - and I probably should be embarassed about it but for some reason I just can't manage it. I was yelled at all the dang time when I was a kid. People in my family used yelling to get their point across. I remember being yelled at to "FETCH ME A BEER" this was from most of the uncles. The aunts were always hollaring "GO SEE WHAT THAT CHILD IS CRYING ABOUT" when some random cousin was fussing and making a ruckus and my own mother was fond of the "DON'T MAKE ME STOP THIS CAR..." threat on any trip because we were always in the backseat doing the "HE/SHE TOUCHED ME" game. Dad was prone to hollar "GET ME MY BELT" which always got instant silence.

You would think with all the yelling I do I would have sniveling messes for kids. Nah, they are pretty well adjusted and if you asked them (and yes I really have) who yells the most in the family they always say "DAD" which means what yelling I do only has short term effects. I guess that is a good and a bad thing.

Anyhow...the boys are being quiet now. Wonder what I get to yell next....hmmm

Shut yo mouth...

Booblash...any of ya'll remember me talking about it? I once wrote a blog on myspace dealing with the effects of it. Once again I find myself on the wrong side of a rebellious titty and I have only myself to blame.

I was trying to run with Quinn. I am WAY to damned top heavy to run (not to mention flat out portly) but I gave it the ol' college try. I strapped on the best underwire in the drawer, stuck on the least stretchy sports bra, THEN wrapped the whole mess in a big ol' ACE bandage, got dressed picked out my least trashy running shoes and off we went.

We really only jogged..kind of power walked...okay he jogged I did my best dying in the desert impersonation "water...gasp, gasp...WATER..." of course that first 5 feet is always the hardest they say.

So like I said off we went. I felt like Forrest Gump especially when this old man passed me. If that son of a bitch would have flipped me off I know I could have garnered more inner strength and caught up with him and then beat him till his teeth flew out. But noooo... he had to be polite so I had to be polite.

Eventually the run was over. I came crawling into the homestretch and about that time I got a call from a friend far away...and it went something like this:

"What the hell you running for? Is someone shooting at you?"

"No, just trying to be a better more healthy parent"

"Good Lord woman, don't you know you aren't built to run"

"Yeah, seeing as my renegade left tittie Lefty took a flying leap from the fortress, wrapped around my head and hit me upside the right side, I am VERY aware I am not built for running"

"Good God, are you okay? Was there blood?"

"No I am fine, marginal hearing loss and a bit of booblash nothing an ice pack and a Mai Tai won't cure in due time"

"Did your right boob behave?"

"Yes, Poncho held her spot well. Didn't cause a moments greif, she is usually pretty well behaved. Lefty always causes problems. I have learned to adapt"

"Wonder why you have such floppy titties...what causes that?"

"Jesus man, it could be the fact they each weigh more than the average newborn. It could be because I can't afford re-bar and steel girders to encase them in. Perhaps it is the Walmart underwires that make a mockery of my boobs, or maybe it is my poor ass hillbilly genetics. I don't know..."

"Thank God men don't have that issue."

"Shut up! I have seen your testicles you are about 5 years from them being a kilt and having a horrific tripping accident on the way to the bathroom for your morning constitutional. I can see it now, the papers will read MAN ON HIS WAY TO PEE TRIPS OVER TESTICLES, RAMS PENIS INTO BATHROOM FLOOR. I bet even now you have to toss those puppies over your shoulders before you take a shit least you flush em' with the courtesy flush"

Anyhow, like a said an ice pack helped the situation. I didn't have time for the Mai Tai because this mom gig kind of calls for sobriety especially when you have to drive kids to soccer and then hold conversations with the other soccer moms. You don't want to slurr your words.

This morning Lefty seems apologetic. She is looking more perky but of course that could be the swelling too. Either way we made our peace. I hope it lasts, Quinn and I are going to try that running thing again. This time I prepared. DUCT TAPE...it is the force that holds the universe together. If it can reign in that my left titty should be a piece of cake.

Looky here ya'll - Mama is moving to blogspot!

You know...once long ago I had one of these blogamacallits. It was fun. Then I discovered myspace and got busy blogging over there. The advantages of that was I could pick and choose who read what I wrote and it sure gave me creative license to make fun of things that I found irritating. Mostly I used it as cheap therapy and the creative airing of my "dirty laundry". I made fun of myself, my children, my friends and most importantly my enemies. Nothing was sacred.

So now I ask myself "Doak (this is my maiden name and the name I call myself in heart to heart self conversations) - why on earth would you go and pick a public forum to blog in when you know damn well you ain't gonna be able to refrain from making fun of Jimbo and his ex old lady" (Doak has a good point, she always does, damned voice of reason) "Well Doak, since you asked, I am hoping that being a more public forum I will discover new material in which to blog about that has less of a potential for hunting me down and bashing in my knee caps with a softball bat" (see...this could be a good thing huh) "Well I sure hope you can bite your tongue and keep your petty bashing to the good ol' boys at WalMart and asshat drivers in SUV's that piss you off, your babies need you and damn it your mama and the baby Jesus love you, kneecaps and all"

So I am turning over a new leaf. I am sure once in a while Jimbo is gonna piss me off, he can't help it, but when I really need to make fun of what he does to keep me from cryin' my poor little eyes out I can take a little trip over to myspace and let er' rip. My other source of amusement Botox Barbie is losing her home, packing her thong undies and moving to Hawaii to peddle her wares and work on her permatan so in fairness I have to let that fade into the sunset. We had a good run but sometimes you have to let go. Goodbye Botox Barbie - have fun in Hawaii - do they have a fleet week there? Oh the places you will go....

So folks - stay tuned on this channel. We have it all here...while you are at it grab a beer (or coffee if you read in the morning and have to operate machinerey or mold young minds), get yourself comfy and let's get to know one another.