Oh lord son...ya ain't dying...

I have dramatic children. I claim it comes from their paternal side but somehow I am sure my mama and daddy are reading this (in theory) shaking their heads saying "how about that time when..."

Guess it would stand to reason that a little heat rash in the junk nether regions would send my Owen into a flaming fit.

It has been hot - well hot for Alaska. Hell in Oklahoma where I am from 90' plus degree's ain't hot, it is "just right". But for Alaska 90 plus is grounds for the "Save the Polar Bears" people to have run ins with the "Club a seal- it's whats cooking" people all because they got sweat in their ass cracks. In short it makes us mean and hateful people.

So back to Owen. It is hot, we covered that. Owen has been sweating his little nuggets off at soccer camp all week with his big brother Haaken (Quinn had camp when it was much cooler out...think 70's). Wednesday Owen comes home from camp and jumps in the shower to wash off and cool off and while getting cozy with the soap discovers something that makes him render a blood curdling scream that causes the dogs to howl.

Needless to say I jumped up from my spot on the couch in front of the fan (which I had to fight the critters for) and ran to see what calamity had befallen my sweet son when his naked carcass comes streaking out of the bathroom holding his uhhh "junk" while pointing with a soap covered finger "WHAT IS THIS!!! AM I GONNA DIE?" - on inspection it was discovered that my son had heat rash from chaffing. I bit back my laughter at his obvious distress and calmly explained to him that he had heat rash and that he could finish his shower and we would take care of it afterwards. I though the crisis was diverted - little did I know it had only just begun.

Owen hops back in the shower and turns the water to cold in attempts to cure his issue and only succeeds in freezing his wang and friends. So that pisses him off. He finally gets out of the shower and I hand him the GoldBond and explain he needs to powder his parts which gets the "you do it" -"no you do it" debate in full swing. After 5 minutes of my pleading my case that he is old enough to doctor his own junk he finally admits defeat and powders the "peanuts" then the cool tingling steps in, the wailing goes full scale and now I have a naked powdered covered screaming banshee devil child running around the house yelling "IT BURNS! IT BURNS!". I finally capture him in a towel and plunk his naked ass in front of an oscillating fan with legs spread and his hand firmly on his junk which does eventually manage to calm him down and cool him down. Then I had to wait on him for a few minutes while he milked this "flaming balls" bit.

Eventually he did cool off and go to sleep but the horror of his heat rash covered junk will remain with him forever - he now has to sleep naked in front of the fan and has developed an unnatural need to have baby powder covered junk - no more GoldBond for his inner thighs.

And the Oscar for most dramatic performance of a heat rashed young un' goes to Owen Lucas - let us all clap in his honor.

Gifts with a double edged sword...

As I was waiting at the window of McD's tonight (I was there for my $1 sweet tea fix....geee) I couldn't help but notice the display of "Arch Cards" that people can purchase for their loved ones in case they are in the McD's drive up window and suddenly remember "Oh shit, I forgot it was our anniversary surely the love of my life would love a ticket to a fatter ass and big old hamhock thighs, on second thought, I had better get her two". Just who the hell would love opening up a card on any holiday and seeing a McD's gift card? KIDS, small french fry eating, nugget inhaling, happy meal toy collecting kids. Thats who. But don't you think buying them gift cards to the artery clogging hall of fame is kind of like handing them loaded weapons and saying "oh just point and shoot" without saying "but make sure ya ain't shootin' at people". Kids aren't going to walk into McD's and say "Hey with this here gift card I sure would like me some yogurt and apple dippers with a side salad" HELL NO...they are gonna walk in loud and proud and say "SUPERSIZE IT".

I won't lie, I do hit McD's on occasion but I can't even imagine getting my kids a gift card there. Hell I can't imagine getting anyone a gift card there. I know if someone got me a gift card to McD's I would have to question their motives..."Hey, are ya calling me fat?" or "WTF dude, can't you do better than this?" Another place that has gift cards is the Holiday store and the Tesoro stores. Yep, convenience stores...nothing says "thinking of you babe" than picking up a gift card for the convenience store. Sure the white trash crowd who goes there daily for a pack of smokes, a half rack of Hamms and slurpee's for the younguns' probably think this is the height of romantic gifts, this and perhaps a new nudie mag and a 40. Who knows...all I know is that if someone got me one I would be slightly insulted.

So note to all who may be swayed by the colorful plastic arch cards....RESIST! You can do better. If you don't have time to buy a gift cash is ALWAYS a good option. Step away from places like convenience stores and fast food places. It doesn't say "love" it says "I am a cheap ass lameass who couldn't be bothered to think this gift giving thing through"