Oh lord son...ya ain't dying...

I have dramatic children. I claim it comes from their paternal side but somehow I am sure my mama and daddy are reading this (in theory) shaking their heads saying "how about that time when..."

Guess it would stand to reason that a little heat rash in the junk nether regions would send my Owen into a flaming fit.

It has been hot - well hot for Alaska. Hell in Oklahoma where I am from 90' plus degree's ain't hot, it is "just right". But for Alaska 90 plus is grounds for the "Save the Polar Bears" people to have run ins with the "Club a seal- it's whats cooking" people all because they got sweat in their ass cracks. In short it makes us mean and hateful people.

So back to Owen. It is hot, we covered that. Owen has been sweating his little nuggets off at soccer camp all week with his big brother Haaken (Quinn had camp when it was much cooler out...think 70's). Wednesday Owen comes home from camp and jumps in the shower to wash off and cool off and while getting cozy with the soap discovers something that makes him render a blood curdling scream that causes the dogs to howl.

Needless to say I jumped up from my spot on the couch in front of the fan (which I had to fight the critters for) and ran to see what calamity had befallen my sweet son when his naked carcass comes streaking out of the bathroom holding his uhhh "junk" while pointing with a soap covered finger "WHAT IS THIS!!! AM I GONNA DIE?" - on inspection it was discovered that my son had heat rash from chaffing. I bit back my laughter at his obvious distress and calmly explained to him that he had heat rash and that he could finish his shower and we would take care of it afterwards. I though the crisis was diverted - little did I know it had only just begun.

Owen hops back in the shower and turns the water to cold in attempts to cure his issue and only succeeds in freezing his wang and friends. So that pisses him off. He finally gets out of the shower and I hand him the GoldBond and explain he needs to powder his parts which gets the "you do it" -"no you do it" debate in full swing. After 5 minutes of my pleading my case that he is old enough to doctor his own junk he finally admits defeat and powders the "peanuts" then the cool tingling steps in, the wailing goes full scale and now I have a naked powdered covered screaming banshee devil child running around the house yelling "IT BURNS! IT BURNS!". I finally capture him in a towel and plunk his naked ass in front of an oscillating fan with legs spread and his hand firmly on his junk which does eventually manage to calm him down and cool him down. Then I had to wait on him for a few minutes while he milked this "flaming balls" bit.

Eventually he did cool off and go to sleep but the horror of his heat rash covered junk will remain with him forever - he now has to sleep naked in front of the fan and has developed an unnatural need to have baby powder covered junk - no more GoldBond for his inner thighs.

And the Oscar for most dramatic performance of a heat rashed young un' goes to Owen Lucas - let us all clap in his honor.

Gifts with a double edged sword...

As I was waiting at the window of McD's tonight (I was there for my $1 sweet tea fix....geee) I couldn't help but notice the display of "Arch Cards" that people can purchase for their loved ones in case they are in the McD's drive up window and suddenly remember "Oh shit, I forgot it was our anniversary surely the love of my life would love a ticket to a fatter ass and big old hamhock thighs, on second thought, I had better get her two". Just who the hell would love opening up a card on any holiday and seeing a McD's gift card? KIDS, small french fry eating, nugget inhaling, happy meal toy collecting kids. Thats who. But don't you think buying them gift cards to the artery clogging hall of fame is kind of like handing them loaded weapons and saying "oh just point and shoot" without saying "but make sure ya ain't shootin' at people". Kids aren't going to walk into McD's and say "Hey with this here gift card I sure would like me some yogurt and apple dippers with a side salad" HELL NO...they are gonna walk in loud and proud and say "SUPERSIZE IT".

I won't lie, I do hit McD's on occasion but I can't even imagine getting my kids a gift card there. Hell I can't imagine getting anyone a gift card there. I know if someone got me a gift card to McD's I would have to question their motives..."Hey, are ya calling me fat?" or "WTF dude, can't you do better than this?" Another place that has gift cards is the Holiday store and the Tesoro stores. Yep, convenience stores...nothing says "thinking of you babe" than picking up a gift card for the convenience store. Sure the white trash crowd who goes there daily for a pack of smokes, a half rack of Hamms and slurpee's for the younguns' probably think this is the height of romantic gifts, this and perhaps a new nudie mag and a 40. Who knows...all I know is that if someone got me one I would be slightly insulted.

So note to all who may be swayed by the colorful plastic arch cards....RESIST! You can do better. If you don't have time to buy a gift cash is ALWAYS a good option. Step away from places like convenience stores and fast food places. It doesn't say "love" it says "I am a cheap ass lameass who couldn't be bothered to think this gift giving thing through"

Things I don't understand...

ECONOMY! It is a word you hear daily, easily several times. You hear it, you shrink from thinking about it because there mere mention of that word right now strikes fear in the hearts of many people who get paid lots of money to track the economy and also people in states that have governors that take state money to pay for trips to third world countries for the purpose of finding a place to eat good tamales and a senorita to make his margarita.

I get we are all freaked out about the economy - well most people are. Oh good lord how are the rich going to afford that new Hummer and that Christmas trip to the Virgin Islands. How are us poor people gonna be able to eat when the price of Ramen noodles goes from 10 for a buck to God forbid a BUCK A PACKAGE!!!

If times are sooooo freaking hard how is it so many stay at home mom's are able to afford hobbies and family vacations? HMMMM?

Seems like every stay at home mom I know has a sewing hobby of some kind, well a fiber textiles hobby of some kind. They are sitting at home cooking and cleaning (which is a job in itself) and then they have the money to go buy adorable fabric a notions and then they take their super kick ass sergers and singers and make these seriously fabulous outfits for their adorable children who are so precious and wonderful that they NEVER fight and always share their toys. Some of these mom's can even knit too! They buy these beautiful yarns in rich vibrant colors and whip out these amazing little scarves or hats for their other stay at home mom friends for various reasons (Christmas, birthdays, Martin Luther King Day).

How do I know this? I am a blog lurker...leave me alone, I can't afford a real hobby involving fabric and yarn and such and besides I don't get to stay at home cooking and cleaning all day (wait, I do cook and clean all day....I just stay up all night working the American dream).

There is this one little blog I stalk on occasion which is so super precious I could cry in my cupcakes. This sweet little thing is a stay at home mom who manages to bake things almost daily, she also finds time to knit and make cutsie little things for her babies which all have orange hair and go to coop preschool. Her family even managed to take a vacation to Hawaii this winter and now here we are in summer they are visiting Ohio.

I want to know how the hell they afford to make all that happen? Have you been to a fabric store? Do you know how much that stuff costs? The only cheap ones are the ones on clearance that are too ugly for even my gramma to use in a quilt. Yet somehow they always manage to find this super to die for adorable print that matches some other freaking precious print and then they turn those into a reversible smock with hand smocking. UGHHHH. And don't get me started on those knitting mama's, the ones that make things with yarn that costs a freaking ass load per skein. I want to cry....

Even back in the day when my lovely ex husband had a job that made good money and we were married there was no way I could afford to have the hobbies these women have (and it didn't matter I sure as hell didn't have the personal time). Vacations to Hawaii? HA - FORGET ABOUT THAT!

So if this ecomomy is something to be concerned about then shouldn't those stay at home mama's be keeping their asses out of the fabric store and thinking about working nights as a pole dancer when daddy comes home to watch the babies?

I guess this is a mystery of life I will never understand....sigh.

Someone take my remote away...lord help me...

I was never one for watching TV - it required to much attention and was usually too boring. Rarely was there anything on that I could relate to (the closest being Green Acres and Beverly Hillbillys-go figure) so I pretty much set it on PBS and listened to the melodic strains of Sesame Steet and Zoom. And Life was good

However Papa insists that we have Direct TV with 4.8 gazillion channels and now I am sure to find something to amuse me, entertain me, make me think and inspire projectile vomiting and sometimes all in one show. Like watching a train wreck in motion - I am helpless to turn away.

My latests addictions are Clean House, All of the kick ass wedding cake shows, Bridezilla and all the amazing birth story shows. (which wierds me out for various reasons).

Clean House - have you seen it? This super annoying and bossy over dressed and accessorized black woman whisks into these houses one mold infestation away from condemnation and with her team of super smiley peeps they convince the hapless house owners to "let go" of their belongings, have a garage sale to make money, then match the money up to a thousand. Then they send the people to a "fabulous" hotel and they commence to reorganize and redecorate these trash houses. What I find just fascinating about this all is what they convince these people to "let go" of. Grandma's old steamer trunk that belonged to her great grandma and came over from the old country "It's a big ticket item, let's sell it, you don't need it" - then when it doesn't sell they put it on a truck and send it to the ghetto good will. SAD! Can't they incorporate it in the new decor? Come on already. Sure the 25 years of periodicals that can certainly go and 40 pairs of salt shakers, yeah, they can let those go too but the family antiques? Good lord people, have some compassion. So then let's say the garage sale makes $1,500 and then the show matches it to make it $2,500, that is what the crew has to spend. The hostess donates something (usually a new bedroom suite or some office stuff) and the designer (who is either seriously weird of flamming gay) takes the bulk of the money and somehow manages to get new furniture for the living room (or some other room) and accents too. HOW? Where is he shopping at? Uncle Lou from the wrong side of town? Anyhow, moving on...

Bridezilla - oh yeah...these bitches rock out. It is all about them 100% of the time and if you ain't kissing their powdered ass you better believe they will get you with a sharp tongued bitch slap. I watched one last night where the bride was a Latino gal with a self inflated sense of worth. She threw a tempter tantrum in the flower shop over her arrangements, screamed money was no object, stormed out and then thew a center arrangement on the concrete. Then to up the ante on her crazieness she maxed out her credit card to get a Cinderella Carriage, told her fiancee' that he couldn't pay for his dad's tux (because bitch maxed out the credit card...) - then she went on a cake smashing rampage and the final straw was when she chased her daughter and threatened to peirce her ears right then and there. She was a the scariest bride ever. And to think my gramma called me a bridzilla when I had a meltdown regarding the kind of cake I wanted at my wedding. I can neither confirm nor deny that I might have said "I don't give a goddamn what kind of fucking cake you make, take a shit in a pan, bake it and slap some butter cream frosting on it and call it a damned cake, Jesus!" - Gramma got me back, she made marble cake. She knew I hated marble cake. She probably spit a lugi in the top layer too. Wouldn't put it past her.

Then we have the birthing shows. I loved the amazing birth episode when this African gal gave birth in a tree top during rising flood waters. I swear on all that is holy if I have another child I will not complain about anything. And the crazy bitches that think they can have unassisted home births. HAVE YOU LOST YOUR EVER LOVING MIND...opps this kid is coming feet first, sure would have been nice to have a doctor.

Anyhow...that is my new addiction (and Chelsea Lately...she had little people bowling last night. HELL YA!). Is there a 12 step wean your ass from TLC program? Hmm? I will look into that Tuesday, I have to watch Jon and Kate tongiht - they are making a big ol' announcement and well Cake Boss is on too. (Oh lord I have become my grandma, I can't miss my shows)



The wedding cake shows. All I can really say here is HOLY SHIT! The things they do with cake and fondant and blown sugar so so freaking amazing I would cry if I had to cut into one of their cakes. What amazes me the most is how they pretty much believe they can do anything. Some freaks come in and say "Hey make me a cake that looks like a hotel I stayed in in Barcelona complete with sugar skulls and railings on the windows. No prob...bring it on. Or some bridezilla comes in and wants her cake to be 15 tiers in an art deco circa 1920's vibe complete with blown sugar glass balls and realistic gardenias. Oh and by the way the tiers have to be stacked lop sided. Yep...no prob. It amazes me. I want to be the cake diva. I want that glory.

Listen up tator tot...

So in my channel surfing I kind of got fixated on the "Shop Erotic" channel. That infomercial cracks me up every time I take a moment to check it out.

When I first popped in they were hyping up the "Mold a Willie" kit. Basically it is a naughty science project that involves getting your man to stick his erect penis in a tube filled with a rubber substance. Yeah... I am sure many men are dying for you to immortalize their penis in rubber. What if ya'll break up? You could take that bad boy out and use it against him. Show all your girlfriends what god gifted him with. That poor bastard would never get a date again (well if he had a wee willy) - by the same token what if he was porn star royalty and you kept that penis for all time. You would be whipping it out after appalling one night stands where picking were slim. You would be all "just use your fingers dumbass, I have the inside job covered" as you whip out your last boyfriends 8" dong. To make it more impressive you could write in black sharpie on the side "The intimidator". No wonder they dropped the price $50 bucks - can't imagine there are many takers on that one.

The next one that made me blow beer out my nose was the rubber dong collection. First they brought out the 5" beginner dong - it was pink. They were all "Look how adorable it is..." and "this is the PERFECT dong for breaking into rubber dongs". PUHLEEEZ...if I am gonna waste my money ording a rubber dong I ain't gonna bother with the beginner dong. If I am brave enough to delve into rubber dong territory you better believe I am gonna go big...Then they popped out with the 7.5" dong in a lovely red shade. It came with a better "more lifelike" scrotal package. Uh huh...they touted this one as "the womans best friend". Yeah...moving on they whipped out the 8" dong in a gorgeous blue color. They were way into this one, it wasn't called "adorable" it was called "impressive" When they wrapped their hand around that monster you could see them remembering moments with that dong. They wrapped it up with the 10" one complete with suction cup "With this bad boy the suction cup is a MUST". Yep...and advil and ice packs too, but that is just details.

All of that made me laugh hysterically but what made me completely lose it and spill my beer and almost rupture my spleen from laughter was when they brought out the double dolphin cock ring. It looked entertaining enough...I was intrigued but then they upped the ante with the vibrating cock sleeve. They were hyping this for clitoral stimulation and the extra addition of "girth" - Yeah like you can introduce that to your little tator tot man with Frodo's fingers "Hey babe check out this new toy that plays with my clit and is guaranteed to make me come and check out the little sleeve...makes you more girthy" You whip that puppy out and you can just watch that erection disappear. To be honest I would totally pay money to see that thing in action. Ha ha...

You know what else I find hilarious? Those gals that do the show. One was a total hot librarian chick complete with dark hair and glasses and the other had that pole dancer bleached blond fake titties thing happening. They were displaying these gizmos with such a manner that I could never pull off. They were so cool and professional. I would be up there have sword fights with the 10" dong, telling ex boyfriends on the air "Hey tator tot...check out this penis enhancer with the handy dandy ruler on the side...go big, go for 5.5" - you can do it". I would also be doing naughty gestures with those things too. How could you not? I would be the worst hostess ever.

And in closing my friends...if you have erotic needs that need met please contact my friend Krystal - she will hook you up and will totally not call you "dirty ho" when you whip out your credit card and order the suction cupped 10" dong, even when you try and cover and tell her "it is a birthday present for gramma".

Slap the ugly right out of your mouth...

I guess I was raised a little too old school. Come to Jesus meetings were always threatened because rude nasty ill behaved children could always benefit from having the fear of God instilled in them. There was one phrase from my childhood that always incited fear "Do we need to go have a little talk..." - there was no talking involved, it was a total hand to butt conversation and my butt NEVER liked to hear what mama's (or daddy's) hand had to say.

I am finding that there are many parents in my peer group who must have been raised by wolves for they seem to have no problem raising children who are ill mannered and just plain nasty. I find this reprehensible on many levels.

One such child plays on my sons soccer team. This child is rude and nasty and I find myself biting my tongue and holding back rage whenever I am around him. Granted this child is a good athlete, would I say he is "gifted" probably not, but certainly a good athlete. I would certainly say he is a better soccer player than my son (which for any mother is a hard thing to admit because we all know our children are "perfect"). Where I first encountered the nastiness lurking beneath the surface of this child is when the boys played a 4 vs. 4 tournament fundraiser back in April. At first I thought perhaps this kid was pretty justified in being irritated with Quinn. Quinn certainly was slacking off out there but at the time I didn't realize it was related to his injured knee and the tumor we later found in his femur. Of course Quinn wasn't giving it his all, he was in pretty intense pain and running made it worse. When this kid walked by my son (who was sitting on the sidelines fighting back tears because his knee was swollen and in pain) and had the audacity to start ragging on how much Quinn sucked I bit my tongue back on what I wanted to say and very politely said "I am sorry that you are upset that you guys lost the game and I am sure Quinn wishes he could have played harder but as you can see he is injured and if you will excuse us we have a Dr's appt to get to" - Of course what I wanted to say was "you little bastard have a little compassion for your teammate here who is limping and almost in tears". When we then found out the extent of the knee issues and found out Quinn is at a higher risk of breaking his leg than most kids this rotten little bastard came up to Quinn and threatened to kick his leg in the tumor because he hoped it would break his leg and Quinn wouldn't be able to play soccer. That was it...guantlet down. I approached the coach, explained my concerns, when the coach said to me "Well he has a twisted sense of humor like that...blah, blah, blah..." I almost lost it. Who on earth raised this child? What world does he live in? Was he raised in the ghetto were a "cap in the ass" is a way of life? I was floored! I would never allow my children to treat others like that. It isn't funny to pick on others for any reason. However the event that really lit my hair on fire happened today. The boys had a soccer clinic and when I went to pick up Quinn from the clinic the first thing Quinn did was to tell me about how awesome his day was. In the course of telling me the story Quinn went so far as to praise this evil horrid child on his mad soccer skills. Of course the kid was standing nearby and instead of saying "thanks" or just letting it roll this kid says "Shut up Quinn, I am right here stupid" and his mother who was standing there said nothing. NOTHING! Ohhhh I wanted to smack the ugly right out of that childs mouth. For Gods sake Quinn was totally praising this kids awesome skill on whatever drill they did and he couldn't even be gracious? And his mother...just standing there and letting her child talk ugly and rude like that. What the hell? You better believe if I caught any of my children being rude like that they would have been seriously embarrassed as I smacked their butt and told them to apologize right there in front of God and country.

If rudeness comes with the kinder gentler approach to raising children I want no part of it. Thank you very much. I will stick with my old school methods and keep up with the "go cut me a switch" mentality. The world is a better place when kids are taught to "do unto others..." - who knew that basic rule of happiness was so outdated.

Anyhow-here's to all of ya'll who survived the "come to Jesus" childhood and are going through life kicking it old school. Ya'll rock and just remember, our kids kick ass.

Well slap me upside the head...

My boys really really want a slip and slide. They talk about it, watch the commercials, beg. cajole and plead for one and I remain steadfast in my resolve "I ain't buying you one...damn it the last one we had your fat ass uncle Bean thought he would give it a whirl and ended up destroying it a week after we got it"

They look at me with the yard sprinkler in hand and their little dark eyes so sad and say "Please mama can we have another slip and slide...please, we won't let dad or uncle Andrew use it. WE PROMISE" and again I say "Nooooo Noooooo Noooooo"

Yesterday I sent them out with their friends to play in the yard sprinkler. They wanted to place it under the trampoline and I said "Noooooo Nooooo Noooo" and then followed it with "Ya'll do that you know you are gonna break a leg or an arm" and they pleaded and cried "But the yard sprinkler is BORING and it SUCKS" to which they got "Do I look like I care...figure something out to make it more fun"

Eventually their little brains wrapped around ways to improve the sprinkler experience. A TARP!! So they drug out a big ass tarp and tent staked it to the ground using it actual sticks and then turned the yard sprinkler on it and away they went. Then they white trashed it up a notch and used their toboggans and saucer sleds to slide across it.

Impressive....kudos kiddos. Boys 1 - Mama - 0.